"Hope will never be silent"

Things never hit me until I’m sitting at home by myself realizing all my friends are out doing fun things

And I can’t go/don’t even get inviting because my ex is going to be there. I understand why it happens and I would be more okay with it if things hadn’t ended so shitty (AKA if she had been a decent person and treated me with a shred of respect). It’s just hard because my whole life has shifted. I became friends with her friends. I always stayed at her place. And now, all that has changed. Luckily, I have a place I absolutely adore to stay at now. And I’ve figured out who my real friends are, and who isn’t just a “friend of convenience” or whatever. And I am happier. Our relationship was toxic and unhealthy at the end, and neither of us realized it. It ultimately was the right decision to break up.

It just sucks when I don’t get to go to a close friend’s birthday party because my ex is hosting. Or I don’t get to go to fancy dinners with all my friends because my ex is there. And I’m stuck at home trying not to think about how everyone else is having fun while I’m doing homework by myself.

And then the anger and frustration comes back. And it’s all directed at her. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be upset. I want to be okay, all the time. Not just sometimes. I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore, I just hate how everything has changed. I hate the awkwardness. I hate how she treated me. I hate the anger I still feel toward her. I hate being alone most days and every night. I hate how I talk to my fish just so I don’t feel as lonely. I hate all this fucking hate.